Our Grief is too great for words
The worst that could happen happened. My Dear father has died yesterday. And this is what I was afraid of from the start, that he would die while Noar is in hospital and can’t go anywhere. Last night he found the peace he longed for, exactly one week after the Make a Wish Day; one week ago Noar was still in a helicopter with him. It would be the last time they saw each other. Noar and Grandpa, buddies through thick and thin, two peas in a pod. Sick together, strong together. My dad fought to still be allowed to see Noar getting better, because it was an enormous shock to him when he heard that Noar had cancer too. He thought this worse than him being sick….
Having Chemo together, often we made a joke about it. The Chemo Brothers, my father as founder of the group. Our last trip to the tackle shop in Ede, together on the back seat with morphine, oxygen, feeding tubes and Noar injecting medicine while my dad took a puff to get rid of his stuffiness. How bizarre, it was almost laughable if it wasn’t so incredibly sad. Still, we could laugh about it a little. My father offering Noar a bit of oxygen because Noar was hot and a bit stuffy. A sip of morphine for us against the headache. A healthy dose of humor always helped us through. We also enjoyed each other’s company on this day. And now it’s over and we have to do with all the fantastic memories we have of this great man. What great sorrow…..and my sorrow for Noar is even bigger, that he couldn’t say goodbye to his beloved grandfather and that he can’t be there when we say our final farewell to him. It’s so awful that I just don’t have words for it. But we’ll have to go through this too. To find the strength to deal with this. But I’m beginning to feel that strength is not inexhaustible. It’s just hard to find a light at the end of the tunnel right now. At a time like this you have to be together as family and the fact that we can’t be together is heartbreaking. There is nothing worse than watching your child helpless, crazy with grief and you can’t do anything to relieve his pain. There are no solutions, no options, just powerlessness and a lot of pain. I have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on. It’s not easy but I feel the warmth of my father surrounding me and I know, this will be okay too……………….
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